


Denial

by princiere



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Awkward Crush, Body Dysphoria, Cute Ending, Fluff and Humor, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Insecurity, M/M, Morning Cuddles, Trans Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 10:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16262735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princiere/pseuds/princiere
Summary: Loki, God of Mischief, sees through all lies & attempts at deception. At least, he thinks he does. Turns out, he's been lying to himself, & he didn't even know it.





	Denial

**Author's Note:**

> *deep breath*  
> alright so..I wrote this a while back, only just now editing & checking over it. I've been rlly judging of my writing lately so I'm super hesitant to post this, but screw it, we need more of loki exploring his bi-ness, HE'S CONFIRMED BI FELLAS, DEAL W/ IT
> 
> I might make another some day of exploring loki's genderfluid...ness, bc he's also confirmed genderfluid but we're keepin this male w/ male today bc I'm gay as hell & we need more gay loki fluff, I'm salty & tired of every gay loki fic resulting in smut

"Are all Asgardians this... _extra?_ " You vaguely gestured to the duo chatting to each other before you, catching the attention of the scientist next to you.

"What, you mean with their flaunt & style in clothing?" Bruce quietly chortled. "You'd be surprised."

Glancing back to the two, you once again found yourself a bit entranced by the raven-haired god. You've heard of all he's done prior to being recruited, which made you a bit hesitant at first, but lately you've noticed that you're starting to... _desire_ his presence. You hadn't even properly met Loki yet, but-

"Sir _____!" Thor boomed, snapping you out of focus. "I don't believe you've met my brother yet."

_Damn god of thunder, can practically read my thoughts._

As he put a hand on your back to guide you to Loki, Thor commented, "You're always so locked up that I should consider myself lucky to have spoken to you today!"

"I've seen you around the library." Loki offered his hand, to which you quietly accepted. "I must say, your intelligence intrigues me."

"As does yours." You conjured a smile. "I'm always open for discussing a book, if you're interested."

"I might take you up on that offer." Loki smirked, his grip on your hand tightening just enough for you to notice. "I look forward to it."

With a quiet departure, Thor laughed. "Seems like he already likes you!"

"Does he?" You glanced to him curiously. "That's...good, I hope."

Despite how convincing your calm exterior was, you had to admit you were...a _bit_ terrified, to say the least. Even after being recruited into the Avengers, you never thought highly of yourself,  & it only worsened when you met Thor, a literal _god_. As much as your teammates insisted that you were wonderful in their eyes  & were extremely helpful in missions, you still weren't convinced. These feelings only grew when Loki arrived, especially since you'd accidentally developed a desire for the trickster.

You knew his powers, too; you wouldn't be surprised if he already knew what you felt & was now planning on how to toy with you, but considering your desire for him, as well as how touchstarved you were...

Perhaps being toyed with was welcome.

×-♡-×

"It's a pleasure to see you again. Should I consider myself lucky?"

Glancing to the green-leathered man next to you, you hummed with a smile. "I don't know if it counts if we tend to be in the same place often. But maybe I should consider _myself_ lucky."

Honesty was your forté, even if it led to unanticipated flirting. However, Loki seemed to enjoy it. "Of course. Might I interest you in a discussion involving the latest book I've read?"

Now grinning, you fully turned to him. "Sure, which one is it?"

"I've recently indulged myself in a genre that, I must admit, I'm not quite familiar with. Asgard doesn't carry this genre, as it only seems to be an issue to Midgardians." Loki explained as you walked with him to the lobby centre of the library. "Anyway, have you heard of a story known as _"Boy Erased"_?"

"Yes, it's...upsetting, to say the least." You glanced away, honestly shocked Loki would show interest in a topic such as that.

"Is that so?"

"The problems that book tackles are things that I'm ashamed to admit that Midgardians struggle to come to terms with."

Loki chuckled as you found yourself a seat, him sitting just nearby. "I can't say that Asgard has ever dealt with conversion therapy. Do tell, why does such a practice exist?"

You took a second to breathe, unsure of where to even start. "Well... Midgardians, a good amount of them believe that feeling an attraction to the same sex is inhumane, & a disgrace to the Christian God, so conversion therapy was created to "convert" anyone & supposedly cure them of their homosexuality."

"From what I've read so far, it's only shown to be extremely humiliating & dehumanizing."

You thinned your lips, leaning forward to rest your elbows on your knees. "It _never_ works. Nearly all reports of conversion therapy show that it mostly just leads people to end their lives. They're told they're disgusting, that they need to be fixed in order for God to accept them,  & the torture almost always becomes too much. There's rare cases of it working, & even then it becomes questionable due to how they've essentially been brainwashed into being straight."

Loki remained quiet. You sat up, staring at your hands. "There are many people that believe that everyone should be the same. Who we're attracted to, what we identify as, hell even the same _skin tone_ , Loki! All of which are things that cannot be controlled!" You huffed. After a few moments, you clenched your fists. "Let's just say I don't blame you for your distaste of Midgardians. A lot of the time I'm ashamed to admit that I'm of their kind."

Once you calmed down, you glanced to Loki, who seemed to be staring at you. Was he...impressed? Shocked? "U-Uh, my apologies." You excused yourself. "You...wish to talk about the book, correct?"

×-♡-×

It isn't until the following month that you become suspicious of Loki -- not in the sense that he's plotting to hurt you, but it felt as though he was hiding... _something_. You couldn't put your finger on what it could be, but you weren't going to outright ask about it, either. Perhaps it's just your paranoia.

At least, you _thought_ that was the case. Late into the night, when you accepted the fact that you couldn't sleep, you stepped out  & padded to the kitchen to perhaps fetch a drink.

You stopped when you heard voices: two men. "I cannot say I understand your hesitance, brother." One spoke, who you recognized as Thor. "It is clear that the two of you desire one another, gathering what you are willing to tell me."

"Would you quit with the presumptions?" Loki spoke in a hushed yet frustrated tone. "Simply because I am able to spend more time with him than the others care to do, does _not_ mean he wishes to be intimate. I wouldn't even be surprised if he's only doing this out of pity."

"Why out of pity, brother?" Thor questioned.

You were eavesdropping. You were _definitely_ eavesdropping. But why were you still listening?

"I've done so many terrible things." Loki answered simply. "He...He deserves someone better."

You knew Loki struggled with his self-worth. With everything he's experienced, combined with his actions prior to being moved into the tower, it's no surprise he felt so lowly about himself. Of course, he put up a facade, but he seemed to trust you with these problems -- Thor as well.

The thunder god let out a sigh. "Brother, what you've done cannot be fixed. What's done is done. But, you're still able to change. You'll _always_ be able to change. What you committed back then is already set in stone, but what you do now  & in the future is still in your control. Do with it what you will."

Loki remained quiet. You heard footsteps, & adjusted yourself to act as if you'd just walked in. "Oh, hey Thor." You gave a gentle smile as he passed you, presumably to head to bed.

"Good evening, Sir _____." Thor beamed. "What are you doing up at this hour?"

"Can't sleep." You suddenly realized your exhaustion, & rubbed your eyes. "Nothing new, though, but I thought I'd come grab a drink or something."

"Very well." Thor pat your shoulder. "Goodnight."

With that, it was suddenly just you & Loki now. "I heard you guys talking." You tilted your head when he looked to you. "Everything alright?"

"That...depends." Loki averted his gaze, almost nervously. "How much did you hear?"

"A bit of that speech Thor gave before I walked in." You lied. With Loki's influence, you were a master at lying now, though you weren't sure if that was fortunate or not. Whether or not he could still tell when you were lying, he never seemed to call you out on it.

"Then everything is alright." Loki gave a curt nod. "I...tend to struggle with my thoughts when nighttime comes around."

"You're not alone." You hummed, sitting yourself at the kitchen island. "Happens to the best of us, I guess."

"Do you...experience this struggle?" Loki looked to you again after a moment or so.

"All the damn time." You leaned on the palm of your hand. "No matter what people tell me or praise me over, I never really believe if I'm... _enough_ , whether it be as a person or what I'm doing for the team, it just...never feels like I'm doing enough."

"I personally think you're doing more than enough."

Given how his presence alone soothed you, you felt your body relax as your exhaustion worsened. You smiled, "That...means a lot, coming from you."

Loki almost didn't seem to believe you. "There's no need to praise me for such a trivial thing, dear."

"It's true, but if you insist." You grinned. "I thought you loved being praised."

"While that much is true, I just...do not have the energy to enjoy such compliments right now." Loki hesitated. "Frankly, I am undeserving, dear."

You scowled at his pessimism, but then again, you weren't exactly one to talk. "Well, just like how everyone else is with me, I'll just keep complimenting you until you believe me."

Loki actually chuckled at this. "You're tired, dear. Perhaps you'd like to go back to your room?"

"Depends. Why are you up?"

He hesitated, again. "I always struggle with what your kind call nightmares. By now, I've accepted these unpleasant visions & try to stay awake to avoid them."

"You can come hang out with me, if you wanna." You laid your head on the cool surface of the counter, your arm bending over to let your hand toy with your hair. "I slept in my mom's bed for a few years when I was younger because I was having really bad nightmares. Maybe just being with someone you trust will help?"

You felt like you were biting the bullet by implying Loki trusted you. There were a few moments where you spotted him ponder your offer just out of your peripheral. "Perhaps." He spoke suddenly. "You should know that I tend to be rather cold due to my...heritage."

"Didn't say we had to cuddle." You chuckled. "I like a little chill, though. I get heatflashes in my sleep."

"Very well." Loki nodded, stepping over to your slumped figure. "Here,"

With some adjusting, Loki picked you up bridal style & exited the kitchen. "I can walk, y'know." You commented, though never struggling to escape his grasp. You tried your hardest to stay awake, but the feeling of leaning on his chest was...so calming...

You'd barely realized you were in your room until Loki set you down on one side of the bed. The two of you glanced at his apparel, & he hesitated again. "Ehm..." Loki pondered. With a snap of his fingers, he'd changed from his leather clothing to a simple pair of sweats & a thin sweater. You smiled at this.

"Are you wanting to watch something, or do you just wanna go to sleep now?" You asked as he sat down at the edge of the bed.

Loki glanced between you & your TV. "Perhaps I'll put a program on. You can sleep, if you wish."

Handing him the remote, you flopped down onto your pillow & tugged your blankets over your figure. "Big enough for two, if you wanna share." You mentioned, letting your eyes flutter shut before you could catch Loki's reaction.

Just as you were drifting off, you heard a soft voice -- with a tone that sounded... _happy_ \-- breathe, "Very well, then."

×-♡-×

You began to drift awake when the sound of people passing by your room became more frequent. It took a little longer for your other senses to kick in, but once they did, you shot awake.

Loki was still asleep, it seemed, but he was holding you close. Your head rested against his chest, while he kept his head tucked on top of yours, almost as if cradling you. One arm was tucked under your neck with the hand seemingly in the midst of toying with your hair, while the other arm kept you close by wrapping over your waist.

You were more concerned about _who_ instigated this, rather than how to get out of this without pissing off a literal god. Loki wasn't as physically cold as he made himself out to be,  & his natural scent instantly calmed you to the point of almost lulling you to sleep again.

Carefully, you moved your arm -- which was held to your chest -- over so that you could wrap over his shoulders, adjusting yourself a tad closer to him. Loki stirred a bit, & you froze in place.

You could tell he'd woken up, as you felt the body next to you stiffen & heard a low & rough voice just above you mutter, "Oh... My-- My apologies, dear, I just--"

"I don't mind." You stopped him before he could leave. "You-- You're warm, right now. Please...just stay, for a little bit."

The same body you were holding close to you relaxed, & you heard the quietest chuckle.

"Alright."

×-♡-×

Ever since then, this became routine for the two of you. Sometimes, you'd go to sleep alone & wake up hugging the god, with the excuse from him that you'd accepted his advancement at some point in the night. Presumably, you were too asleep at the time to remember this happening, but you weren't going to complain.

It isn't until a couple weeks into this... _arrangement_ , that someone finds out.

You'd just returned from a particularly straining mission, & it took a toll on your physical abilities. You could bathe on your own still, but simple actions that required your legs for more than five seconds were nearly impossible on your own.

So when Loki woke up to you just sitting at the edge of the bed, he questioned, "Dear, is...everything alright?"

"Yea, I just--" You tried to stifle a hiss of pain. "I just hurt a _lot_ right now. My legs can't work for jackshit."

Getting up, Loki moved over to where you sat. "Don't push yourself, darling, you'll only become more pained otherwise." He advised you. "Here, where are you wanting to go?"

"Just wanna grab breakfast..."

With a nod, Loki effortlessly picked you up, keeping you close as he exited your room. He shut the door with his foot, & began to make his way to--

"What the hell?"

You glanced over Loki's shoulder, as the same man carrying you stopped in his tracks. "Oh, hey Tony." You barely waved, noticing the mug in the scientist's hand. "Is the coffee fresh?"

"Christ..." Tony pinched the bridge of his nose, "And how long has _this_ been going on for?"

"What do you mean?" You asked, while Loki turned just enough so that looking at Tony wasn't a strain for either of you.

"Don't play dumb, _____." Tony deadpanned. "This doesn't exactly look like a _buddy-buddy_ situation."

" _Buckethead_ , I literally _cannot_ use my legs right now because of that shit mission we got back from yesterday." You explained firmly. "Even if Loki  & I _were_ dating, what's it to you? I keep him in check, you gotta admit that."

Right, _dating_ \-- how Midgardians addressed the concept of courting. Loki was familiar with the term, but...he was admittedly quite shocked at how you didn't even seem the _slightest_ insulted over the implication of being his lover -- of someone like _him_ being _your_ lover.

His face warmed, only slightly.

"While that's true," Tony reiterated, "I'm just saying that--"

" _Nope!_ " You interrupt & raised a finger to him. "Don't. Do not. I don't want to hear it, Tony. Just because you're a playboy millionaire, doesn't mean I'm gonna let your shit-talking slide."

Loki wanted nothing more than to just leave this conversation, & you noticed his tension. "C'mon," You patted the hand that wrapped around your shoulders, "let's go, I'm getting hungry."

For a moment, Loki glanced to you & Tony, but soon followed your wishes & took you away to the kitchen. "Sorry about that." You sighed quietly. "These guys can be pretty stupid, 'specially him."

Loki tightened his lips for a moment. "Why did you stand up for me? Why defend _me_ , of all people, _____?"

_Now_ you were insulted. "I thought that was obvious, Loki. I care about you. Sure, you've done some shitty things, but...that's in the past now. What matters is what you do now,  & in the future. You think I don't regret a lot of what _I_ used to do  & believe in?"

This managed to bring a chuckle to Loki. "I suppose you have a point, dear."

"I mean, you haven't stabbed me yet, so I think you're doing pretty good." You teased as Loki set you down at one of the stools near the kitchen's island. He rolled his eyes, but still held a smirk.

"I only save the stabbing for Thor now, thank you very much." He emphasized. "At least I know he can handle it rather well. Stabbing you is the last thing I wish to do."

"Aww, I'm flattered." You giggled. Just then, Thor entered the kitchen, & you presumed he witnessed earlier's debacle.

"Brother, might I ask you something?" Thor spoke up as Loki moved to check the cupboard, most likely for a granola bar for you.

"What is it?" Loki's voice dripped with uncertainty, as neither he nor you had any idea what Thor was planning.

"You've been so willing to nurse Sir _____ after missions, especially with the latest one. I've even heard the two of you in the restroom last night, so I presume you were even willing to assist him with washing up as well. Why is that?"

You glanced to Loki, & thanked any other gods above that it was just the three of you in the room. Though, you would've left if you could, since this was clearly targeted at Loki.

Speaking of which, he was clearly having trouble coming up with a witty response. A moment of silence later, Loki remarked, "We made a deal. I nurse his weakling human body, & he assists in ridding of those nightmares that plague me. Simple as that."

Well, he wasn't lying, but it sure as hell was a _grossly_ simplified explanation -- perhaps due to how vulnerable this supposed deal would make him feel if explained any further. Did he make a jab at you too?

Thor looked to you, so you nodded along. "Mostly just teaching him different meditation techniques, seeing if any medication will help, misting special oils like lavender over a candle...the sorts."

Thor relaxed & actually chuckled at this. Perhaps he bought your lie because he knew you weren't as frequently deceiving as his brother. "Is that so? Well, my apologies for coming to conclusions, Sir _____. Now, if you'll excuse me,"

With that, Thor snaked an arm past Loki to grab a Poptart, before taking his leave from the kitchen. A few moments pass, & Loki let out a breath of air that you could tell he didn't know he was holding. "I must say, your facade was incredibly convincing." He commented, glancing to you.

You playfully winked, "Learned from the best."

For a moment, Loki almost seemed shocked, but a tug at the corner of his lips said otherwise. "Of course."

×-♡-×

" _Idiot_ , you damaged your ribcage this time. What were you expecting, blocking off a kick like that & walking away without an issue?"

"Of course not, it's just--" You winced in pain as Loki applied just a little pressure to your torso with his finger. "You know I get protective in split moment decisions."

"While that much is true, you know I can handle feeble physical attacks much more easily than you."

"I told you, it was a split--"

Another application of pressure made you unable to form a sentence for a moment or so. "We... I'll have to remove the binder this time." Loki confessed.

"No."

"_____, I--"

"I'll be fine, Loki, I promise."

" _No_ , no you won't." He sighed, growing frustrated. "Your binder will only make it worse, might I add. Gathering what I know, you need to rest, especially from your binder. Given your position, there's no doubt you can get it off yourself, either."

You scowled at Loki, but didn't spit a remark back. He was right, so you'd rather agree with silence than denial. Loki noticed your conflicting emotions, & knelt to be level with your face, as you were sat on the bathroom counter. "I don't wish to make you uncomfortable, you know." He added. "But, the more desired option for the both of us is for you to not sustain any more injuries, which your binder will undoubtedly cause if you wear it any longer."

You couldn't look him in the eyes, as a hot sting grew in the back of your own. "I just wish I could change my form like you can. It'd make everything so much easier."

"I know." Loki agreed. "I know. But, without that possibility, we will have to _make_ do with what we _can_ do. _Please_ , _____, allow me to help. You've already trusted me with so much up to this point."

You took a deep breath, ignoring the jabs of pain. While you could feel no broken ribs, you were sure that they ached even more than a lengthy day of binding while forgetting to occasionally stretch. "Can you just...not look while you do it? And can I have a towel to cover up with?"

"Of course."

Loki stepped over to grab a towel from the cupboard over the toilet, setting it down next to your thighs. Removing your shirt was no problem, but he stopped once your binder was in full view. "And you're sure about this?"

"Don't go doubting on me _now_ after everything you said!" You remarked. "Just please hurry it up and--"

The door suddenly clicked open, & the two of you froze in place as you looked to see who just waltzed in. "Thor--"

The door clicked shut. Loki swiftly moved to lock it, & he sighed, now frustrated. "Ever heard of _knocking?_ " He called through the door, but when no answer came, he groaned. "I'm so sorry for my brother, he--"

The searing hot pain in your eyes suddenly became too much. Burning tears slipped down your cheeks, & Loki moved back to you, now more worried than angered. "Dear, it's alright, Thor is very well-knowledged in this field, so--"

"That's not what I'm crying over." You voice wavered, ripping your gaze away to stare at the feet of the god before you. "I know the group already knows, but...that's not the problem."

"Then...what is it?"

"Today just..." You took another deep breath, letting the tears spill freely. "Today just sucks. First I get my ass handed to me, then all this shit, & now--... Thor's never gonna let me live this down."

"Why's that, dear?"

You scoffed, almost laughing. "Don't tell me you _still_ don't know."

"I'm afraid I don't understand."

As much as you tried to keep your smile, the sobs & aches overruled your attempted amusement. "I thought you would've been the first one to figure it out, because I'm complete shit at hiding when I fall in love with someone, but...here we are."

You glanced to Loki & saw his expression as everything clicked in his head. "I...I didn't think you-- I--..." He swallowed in order to regain his composure. "I suppose I denied the notion of you feeling such a way for me."

"I also might've heard that conversation you had with Thor before our little _"deal"_ , which is why my shit flirting only got worse after that. I thought I was obvious."

"You _were_ , dear, it's just--" Loki hesitated, moving to rest his hands on either sides of your legs. "I must have denied these advances, only seeing them as platonic. But, now that I think about it--"

"It definitely _wasn't_ platonic." You giggled, despite the aching pain in your torso. "I don't usually cuddle my friends in my bed, completely vulnerable like that, without my binder  & everything."

Loki thinned his lips, only to bust out in a chuckle. "I suppose you have a point, love."

"What, is the new nickname your way of saying you feel the same?"

"Snarky, even in pain." Loki commented, almost laughing. "I greatly admire that in a potential lover."

"Only potential?"

Loki rolled his eyes, grinning at your stupid remarks. "Will this nullify your worries?"

Before you could question him, Loki pressed his lips to yours. He was a bit cold, but he melted so perfectly against yours that you ignored this -- along with the growing aches in your chest -- & pushed against him a little, wanting nothing more than _him_.

Eventually, Loki pulled away, resting his forehead against yours. "Now, can we get your binder off, before we have to deal with any more issues?"

"Just because you're courting me now, doesn't mean I'm any more comfortable with--"

"Oh, for god's sake, are you wanting me to say that _I care about you_ out loud? That I _personally_ wish for you to not suffer any longer? Does that satisfy you?"

You let out a few giggles, only so you wouldn't provoke the pain anymore. "Yea, it does, my prince."

With another eyeroll, Loki smirked & kissed you again. "Good."

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> *chucks this into the public eye* just take it I don't wanna look at it anymore


End file.
